[Fairy Tales] In the Service of Snark
May. 11th, 2009 09:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lassarina posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
rose_in_winterCanon: King Thrushbeard
Rating: PG
Contains: Innuendo
Notes: Written for Mardy in Yuletide 2008
Summary: King Thrushbeard's wife has not at all lost her talent for razor wit, though she has learnt some measure of humility.
Word Count: 1700
Beta:celeloriel
"My dear wife," King Thrushbeard said from the doorway, "I require your skills today."
Kelana looked up from the papers she was reviewing and raised an eyebrow. "I thought that was generally at night," she said, causing a flurry of movement and muttering from her maids. She gave them an exasperated look; they really ought to be used to her by now, and yet every utterance that was not mealy-mouthed was met with shock.
"Not those skills." The King grinned. "Rather, I have an interesting problem. Will you walk with me?"
Kelana rose from her seat and approached him. He offered his arm and escorted her out of the door. The palace halls were busy, for a delegation from the neighbouring country of Elanta was slated to arrive this afternoon. Servants endeavoured to accomplish last-minute cleaning of the white plaster walls and molded ceilings, while others busily polished the inlaid floors. Kelana took care not to interrupt their work, recalling her own efforts as a maid in this same palace. Her husband was unusually silent as they walked, until they took refuge on one of the balconies. She could see the city spread out before them, the blue tiled roofs glistening in the sun. On the other side of the city, she could see a plume of dust that must be the Elantan delegation.
"They are nearly here," she said aloud.
"Yes." King Thrushbeard leaned on the balcony rail next to her. "That is what I need your help for."
"What am I to do?" she asked.
"Have no fear, I shall not require you to sell pots in the marketplace." He took her hand and laced their fingers together while he spoke. "I have heard that somewhere in the delegation is a dark wizard, one sent to put our castle under a spell. I am given to understand that his spell will take some time to cast, but he must be in our presence to do it."
"Ah, wonderful; the King of Elanta is so weak in his own power he must send others to do his work for him," she said, curling her lip.
"Quite." King Thrushbeard stroked the back of her hand idly with his thumb. "Unfortunately, I have told you as much as I know. I do not know which member of the delegation is the wizard, but it is said that when a wizard is angered, the mark of his service will appear on his forehead."
"And I am to infuriate him, so that he will display this mark to all and sundry."
"Just so." Thrushbeard smiled at her. "Will you?"
"Well, I prefer not to be placed under a spell. It would rather hamper my efforts to be a good and devoted wife," she said.
"That would depend on the spell," he answered. She shrugged.
"Well, then, let us begin the charade." She smiled.
Some hours later, she sat at her husband's right hand and watched the Elantan delegation file into the throne room. At first glance, none of them seemed an obvious candidate for a dark wizard; she was rather disappointed, having been told all her life that those who practiced an evil lifestyle would become twisted and misshapen things as their bodies warped to reflect their minds.
So much for her nurse's tales.
The leader of the delegation paused halfway across the room to offer a formal bow. Kelana studied him intently, wondering if he was the wizard.
"King Olevar sends his greetings to you, King Verthan," the diplomat said.
Kelana scoffed aloud, drawing the diplomat's eyes. "I see they educate their diplomats very poorly in Elanta," she said to her husband, in a tone designed to carry for all its apparent quiet. "I rather thought that your preference for being addressed as King Thrushbeard had spread everywhere by now. Or perhaps this one is just stupid."
Out of the corner of her eye, she watched for the reactions. Without exception, all the members of the diplomatic corps had assumed the uniquely blank expression of a negotiator. She truly didn't expect to rout out the wizard so easily, but all the same, she was a bit annoyed when no one showed signs of a mark.
"Has no one informed you of my preference for address?" her husband asked the diplomat, pretending to utter innocence. "I have taken for myself the name my charming wife bestowed upon me at our first meeting."
The diplomat smiled and bowed again. "My sincere apologies, King Thrushbeard," he said smoothly. "I confess I had taken the news to be some manner of jest."
"Obviously a jest you were ill-equipped to appreciate," Kelana remarked, taking the time to examine the twenty men for signs that one of them bore arcane accoutrements. No such signs were forthcoming. She suppressed her exasperation and directed a poisonously sharp smile at the diplomat. The reason for their visit was well-known: there was a prosperous town of craftsmen just within King Thrushbeard's borders, and the King of Elanta claimed it as his own. Of course King Thrushbeard had no intention of giving up such a rich prize, and Elanta did not possess a strong enough army to take it from him, so they had sent their diplomats to try and purchase it. Or steal it with magic, as the case might be.
The diplomat inclined his head toward her in acknowledgement that she had spoken, but addressed his next words to the King. "Your Majesty, are you prepared to meet with us to discuss the matter of the Redwood village?"
"We are meeting now," King Thrushbeard pointed out. "Speak your piece."
The diplomat was all but gritting his teeth. Two of his followers were actually clenching their hands into fists. Kelana folded her hands and listened carefully.
"His Majesty the King of Elanta has sent me to inquire as to what manner of offer you might entertain for the Redwood village," the diplomat said. "His Majesty's cartographers have made an extensive study and have determined that the village should properly be located in Elanta. Of course as you have ruled over the village for some time, proper reparations would be made to compensate you for the loss of revenue."
"Does he propose giving us one of his villages, then?" Kelana inquired.
The diplomat cleared his throat. "Your Majesty King V--King Thrushbeard," he hastily corrected, "could we not conduct this discussion more privately?"
"Queen Kelana's insight is vital to the smooth functioning of my kingdom," King Thrushbeard replied, "so I will not send her away. If you wish to send away your companions, that is of course at your discretion."
The diplomat quickly demurred, and Kelana observed that his cortege appeared to be growing yet more irritated. None yet showed signs of a mark. She suppressed a sigh and returned her attention to the diplomat's speech.
"...obviously there would be decreased tax revenues; King Olevar proposes a lump sum settlement for those lost revenues," the diplomat was saying.
"He proposes to lease our village? How strange," Kelana interrupted. "For what span of time?"
"I do not think that leasing was what His Majesty had in mind," the diplomat said.
"Well, surely you do not propose that we sell the villagers like so many cattle? I am unsure of the practices in Elanta, but here we do not keep slaves."
"How excessively rude!" one of the cortege exclaimed.
"I would advise you not to so insult Her Majesty again," King Thrushbeard said softly.
"My apologies, Your Majesty," the diplomat said, glaring at his underling. The remainder of the Elantans were attempting to conceal their anger, and doing a poor job of it. Kelana wondered why the King would send such inexperienced diplomats to such an important treatise if--
Unless that was the point.
She looked over the cortege again, and saw that they were all much younger than she would have expected. Either the King of Elanta cared not at all whether he got the village, or many of them would be fodder for the spell.
"I'm surprised at you," she said acidly, over the diplomat's latest pathetic offering. "With the pitiful recompense you offer, it's almost as though you expect the village to appear in your control by magic."
The diplomat's jaw dropped, but it was the reaction of the man behind him that interested Kelana - he shouted angrily, and it seemed as though his entire face melted away, revealing a much older man with a glowing red mark upon his forehead.
The guards leapt forward to seize him, and on sober reflection, King Thrushbeard had the entire delegation seized for good measure. He ignored the shrieks of anger and vows of vengeance as the men were led away.
When silence reigned in the throne room, he turned to her with a smile. "Well done, my lady," he said.
She smiled. "What would you ever do without me?"
"My life would be more peaceful," he said wryly, and ducked her playful swat. "Come, wife; there are other talents of yours that I should like to put to good use."
Rating: PG
Contains: Innuendo
Notes: Written for Mardy in Yuletide 2008
Summary: King Thrushbeard's wife has not at all lost her talent for razor wit, though she has learnt some measure of humility.
Word Count: 1700
Beta:
celeloriel"My dear wife," King Thrushbeard said from the doorway, "I require your skills today."
Kelana looked up from the papers she was reviewing and raised an eyebrow. "I thought that was generally at night," she said, causing a flurry of movement and muttering from her maids. She gave them an exasperated look; they really ought to be used to her by now, and yet every utterance that was not mealy-mouthed was met with shock.
"Not those skills." The King grinned. "Rather, I have an interesting problem. Will you walk with me?"
Kelana rose from her seat and approached him. He offered his arm and escorted her out of the door. The palace halls were busy, for a delegation from the neighbouring country of Elanta was slated to arrive this afternoon. Servants endeavoured to accomplish last-minute cleaning of the white plaster walls and molded ceilings, while others busily polished the inlaid floors. Kelana took care not to interrupt their work, recalling her own efforts as a maid in this same palace. Her husband was unusually silent as they walked, until they took refuge on one of the balconies. She could see the city spread out before them, the blue tiled roofs glistening in the sun. On the other side of the city, she could see a plume of dust that must be the Elantan delegation.
"They are nearly here," she said aloud.
"Yes." King Thrushbeard leaned on the balcony rail next to her. "That is what I need your help for."
"What am I to do?" she asked.
"Have no fear, I shall not require you to sell pots in the marketplace." He took her hand and laced their fingers together while he spoke. "I have heard that somewhere in the delegation is a dark wizard, one sent to put our castle under a spell. I am given to understand that his spell will take some time to cast, but he must be in our presence to do it."
"Ah, wonderful; the King of Elanta is so weak in his own power he must send others to do his work for him," she said, curling her lip.
"Quite." King Thrushbeard stroked the back of her hand idly with his thumb. "Unfortunately, I have told you as much as I know. I do not know which member of the delegation is the wizard, but it is said that when a wizard is angered, the mark of his service will appear on his forehead."
"And I am to infuriate him, so that he will display this mark to all and sundry."
"Just so." Thrushbeard smiled at her. "Will you?"
"Well, I prefer not to be placed under a spell. It would rather hamper my efforts to be a good and devoted wife," she said.
"That would depend on the spell," he answered. She shrugged.
"Well, then, let us begin the charade." She smiled.
Some hours later, she sat at her husband's right hand and watched the Elantan delegation file into the throne room. At first glance, none of them seemed an obvious candidate for a dark wizard; she was rather disappointed, having been told all her life that those who practiced an evil lifestyle would become twisted and misshapen things as their bodies warped to reflect their minds.
So much for her nurse's tales.
The leader of the delegation paused halfway across the room to offer a formal bow. Kelana studied him intently, wondering if he was the wizard.
"King Olevar sends his greetings to you, King Verthan," the diplomat said.
Kelana scoffed aloud, drawing the diplomat's eyes. "I see they educate their diplomats very poorly in Elanta," she said to her husband, in a tone designed to carry for all its apparent quiet. "I rather thought that your preference for being addressed as King Thrushbeard had spread everywhere by now. Or perhaps this one is just stupid."
Out of the corner of her eye, she watched for the reactions. Without exception, all the members of the diplomatic corps had assumed the uniquely blank expression of a negotiator. She truly didn't expect to rout out the wizard so easily, but all the same, she was a bit annoyed when no one showed signs of a mark.
"Has no one informed you of my preference for address?" her husband asked the diplomat, pretending to utter innocence. "I have taken for myself the name my charming wife bestowed upon me at our first meeting."
The diplomat smiled and bowed again. "My sincere apologies, King Thrushbeard," he said smoothly. "I confess I had taken the news to be some manner of jest."
"Obviously a jest you were ill-equipped to appreciate," Kelana remarked, taking the time to examine the twenty men for signs that one of them bore arcane accoutrements. No such signs were forthcoming. She suppressed her exasperation and directed a poisonously sharp smile at the diplomat. The reason for their visit was well-known: there was a prosperous town of craftsmen just within King Thrushbeard's borders, and the King of Elanta claimed it as his own. Of course King Thrushbeard had no intention of giving up such a rich prize, and Elanta did not possess a strong enough army to take it from him, so they had sent their diplomats to try and purchase it. Or steal it with magic, as the case might be.
The diplomat inclined his head toward her in acknowledgement that she had spoken, but addressed his next words to the King. "Your Majesty, are you prepared to meet with us to discuss the matter of the Redwood village?"
"We are meeting now," King Thrushbeard pointed out. "Speak your piece."
The diplomat was all but gritting his teeth. Two of his followers were actually clenching their hands into fists. Kelana folded her hands and listened carefully.
"His Majesty the King of Elanta has sent me to inquire as to what manner of offer you might entertain for the Redwood village," the diplomat said. "His Majesty's cartographers have made an extensive study and have determined that the village should properly be located in Elanta. Of course as you have ruled over the village for some time, proper reparations would be made to compensate you for the loss of revenue."
"Does he propose giving us one of his villages, then?" Kelana inquired.
The diplomat cleared his throat. "Your Majesty King V--King Thrushbeard," he hastily corrected, "could we not conduct this discussion more privately?"
"Queen Kelana's insight is vital to the smooth functioning of my kingdom," King Thrushbeard replied, "so I will not send her away. If you wish to send away your companions, that is of course at your discretion."
The diplomat quickly demurred, and Kelana observed that his cortege appeared to be growing yet more irritated. None yet showed signs of a mark. She suppressed a sigh and returned her attention to the diplomat's speech.
"...obviously there would be decreased tax revenues; King Olevar proposes a lump sum settlement for those lost revenues," the diplomat was saying.
"He proposes to lease our village? How strange," Kelana interrupted. "For what span of time?"
"I do not think that leasing was what His Majesty had in mind," the diplomat said.
"Well, surely you do not propose that we sell the villagers like so many cattle? I am unsure of the practices in Elanta, but here we do not keep slaves."
"How excessively rude!" one of the cortege exclaimed.
"I would advise you not to so insult Her Majesty again," King Thrushbeard said softly.
"My apologies, Your Majesty," the diplomat said, glaring at his underling. The remainder of the Elantans were attempting to conceal their anger, and doing a poor job of it. Kelana wondered why the King would send such inexperienced diplomats to such an important treatise if--
Unless that was the point.
She looked over the cortege again, and saw that they were all much younger than she would have expected. Either the King of Elanta cared not at all whether he got the village, or many of them would be fodder for the spell.
"I'm surprised at you," she said acidly, over the diplomat's latest pathetic offering. "With the pitiful recompense you offer, it's almost as though you expect the village to appear in your control by magic."
The diplomat's jaw dropped, but it was the reaction of the man behind him that interested Kelana - he shouted angrily, and it seemed as though his entire face melted away, revealing a much older man with a glowing red mark upon his forehead.
The guards leapt forward to seize him, and on sober reflection, King Thrushbeard had the entire delegation seized for good measure. He ignored the shrieks of anger and vows of vengeance as the men were led away.
When silence reigned in the throne room, he turned to her with a smile. "Well done, my lady," he said.
She smiled. "What would you ever do without me?"
"My life would be more peaceful," he said wryly, and ducked her playful swat. "Come, wife; there are other talents of yours that I should like to put to good use."